Welcome to People for Equal Parenting

“The liberty interest at issue in this case – the interest of parents in the care, custody, and control of their children – is perhaps the oldest of the fundamental liberty interests recognized by this Court.” Troxel v. Granville, 530 U.S. 57, 65 (2000).

Perhaps no one but another NCP can fully understand the suffering of having your government treat you as a second class parent. Perhaps no one but another NCP can fully understand what the system does so cavalierly to you: The embarrassment, the pain, the loneliness, loss of good jobs, loss of homes, loss of friends (who can’t understand why you’re no longer the person you once were), the loss of faith in your state and national governments, loss of faith in the courts … and most importantly the loss of irreplaceable time with your children.

PEP understands. We’re doing things about it that can benefit you now and in the long run. Join PEP.

This page summarizes the things anyone can do no matter how badly the system has treated them. Practice The Rules of the Road to Liberty. You will gain something no one can take from you: The knowledge that there are things you do control. Here are the rules.

Unfortunately, the law defines your former spouse as your legal opponent. You must accept that you can’t control your former spouse. Often you can hardly even influence him or her. He or she is going to do whatever they do … and in too many cases the last thing they’ll worry about is how that hurts you and the children.

This is useful knowledge. If you can get over the shock of seeing that a formerly loving relationship has become something else entirely, you can begin to predict how your former spouse will behave – and take reasonable precautions.

He or she didn’t do it to you. He or she had no power to turn you from a full time parent into an every-other-weekend visitor to your own kids. The government did that under the authority of certain specific statutes in your state’s family code that attempt to justify treating you unequally.

Learn about those statutes. Study how they work. You’ll come to see how a legal system that’s supposed to protect all Americans … doesn’t. At least not equally. This is powerful knowledge … very threatening to the system that is your real enemy. Knowledge is power. Get educated. Government is selling a lot of snake oil about child custody. Don’t buy it.

When you understand #’s 1 and 2 above, you’ll realize there’s seldom reasons for conflict with your former spouse. Even if your former spouse is one of those who takes advantage of the system – so what? You’re divorced. Don’t throw good time after bad. Get on with your life. Even if your former spouse breaks laws that protect your relationship with your children, it’s not your job to be the judge. Take legal action if you must, but never provoke it. It usually (but not always) takes two to tango. Drop out of the dance.

Nuh-uh. If you really need to vent, talk to a friend or a mentor. But not your kids.

Don’t do it. Period. Any short-term pleasure you get from behaving like an adolescent will be outweighed by the damage done to your kids. Your kids ought to have the best possible chance to enjoy their relationship with both parents. This doesn’t mean don’t protect your children from overt acts of abuse or neglect. Of course you have to do that. But that’s a rare thing when it comes to two fit divorced parents. So respect your children. You wouldn’t want to be put in the middle between two good friends of yours. Neither do your children.

The best thing you can do about your children’s relationship with your former spouse is to enjoy your relationship with your children. Treat your children well. Being a child of divorce is tough. Do everything you can to not make it worse. Don’t make excuses for yourself. Be a grown up.

Many NCPs discover or rediscover spiritual lives as they suffer unjustly. Although PEP is a secular organization, its leadership believes that spiritual practices are very desirable ways to respond to suffering.

More generally: Take action. Do something about your situation other than complain, deny, or cry. If you’re like 9 out of 10 Americans, there are things in your life you know you should be doing something about ... but are not. Well now's the time to get on with it. Go back to school. Take up a new hobby. Make sure to get plenty of exercise. Eat right. Be extremely careful about substance abuse, gambling, or seeking new relationships to substitute for the old one. As was said in the movie The Shawshank Redemption: “It’s time to get busy living, or get busy dying.”

Being forced by government to become a second class parent can make you bitter. Don't let it happen to you. Bitterness can turn a tragedy into a disaster.

For thousands of years the human race has been told how to respond psychologically to suffering. Choose to be kind. Be sensitive to the sufferings of others. Your suffering helps you understand a world that’s full of suffering.

We're not saying become a saint. None of us is Mother Theresa. But all of us can choose not to give one-finger salutes to people that cut us off in traffic. All of us can say "Thank You" to the person that bags our groceries. Look for opportunities to practice kindness. You’ll find plenty. Making it a habit will quickly prove one of the best things you’ll ever do … for yourself, your kids, and your society.

All of us can go outside at sunrise or sunset and stop for a minute. No artist has ever painted anything as beautiful. And you’re still alive to appreciate them … if you only will. No matter how much has been taken from you, the beauties of nature can’t be taken from you. They’re given to everyone equally. You too.

These Rules of the Road to Liberty, or Seven Basic Habits of Highly Effective NCPs, if followed consistently, will do more to ease your sufferings than anything else you can do. It’s up to you. You can’t make everything better all at once. But you can make things a little better, a little at a time. Eventually it adds up. Start now.

PEP's Rules of the Road to Liberty

or

The Seven Basic Habits of Highly Effective NCPs